Our present obsession with “holy” bonking (sorry! Sacred Sex) has become yet another obsession that borders the absurd. In our frantic effort to justify why we should have more sex (with some emotion) in our lives we’ve managed yet again to climb to another level of hypocrisy.
As if it is not enough that many people secretly enjoy the sexual urges within themselves, try kinky stuff, use porn to get off, drink aphrodisiacs and have a little some-some hidden away in a drawer somewhere but will not openly admit that they enjoy sex, now here comes “holy” erotics…
With the new wave of consciousness and spiritual enlightenment came the “evil” twin. Many of us are having a lot of trouble telling one from the other. I especially want to caution my fellow women to be very weary of the SOBs disguised as Sacred Sex Instructors or Sexual Healers. I am not saying all of the instructors and healers out there are fakes, but check the person out thoroughly before you ever think of allowing anyone to take advantage of your vulnerability. I’ve worked with women who’ve been enticed into all sorts of sexual exploits in the name of sexual healing, sacred sex or spiritual elevation only to end up with sexually transmitted diseases and broken hearts. This is no joke.
One of my clients told me about a holistic healer whom since I was black and into holistic work, she figured out I might know him. She told me, the brother says he can help women with infertility, sexual problems and childhood sexual abuse issues etc. I trained in trauma counselling specializing in childhood sexual abuse and related adult issues, I had to see this holistic healer for myself, may be learn a few things from him.
I found the place to be a small downtown hideout with two rooms. In one, the brother sees clients and from the consultation room you can see through the open door into the other room which basically has a tiny bed all decked out in very expensive “African” themed decor; leopard , zebra, giraffe etc – stunning!. The “sexual healer” himself is damn good looking; a dark tall lean angular figure, gorgeous dreadlocks, alert piercing mystical eyes and set of perfect milk-white teeth against a coal black gum which makes his smile so mesmerizing. No wonder he has a stream of female clients – all races. As soon as I settled down on the mat in front of him, the brother started telling me all about my “sexual difficulties”. Now that is a real joke, because anyone who knows me also knows that with me, sex and difficult – they can’t belong in the same sentence. I told the brother, “no problem there”. So he started something about my childhood sexual abuse and stuff. I told him I had never been abused as I child but he insisted I just don’t remember it and that it was hidden somewhere in my brain. I told him where I come from child abuse is a curse, a taboo punishable by death of the person, his family and whole clan -I would have heard about it if something like that had happened on my account. He told me it was in my past life – another place and time – and that this was my fifth time round on earth.
Now, I do not dispute this past lives’ theory, at least I am honest enough to say I don’t know anything about it but I do not necessarily care for it either – there is just too much good stuff going on in this PRESENT life that I have no real need or desire to dig up buried bones, if there are any. I think the real reason I was willing to listen for over 15 minutes was because of what the brother was doing to me in the NOW.
See, the “diagnosis process” involves touching in the places that can get a woman’s heart pumping chaotically – at least a red blooded woman. After about 10 minutes of his magic touch, and may be because I had closed my eyes and started day dreaming – about my boyfriend, he thought he had me because he invited me to the little bed to get my “treatment”. You could have heard a pin drop in the brief seconds before I went “native”, “rural” or “emotional” whatever you want to call it. All the so called “civilized” came off like a cheap polyester coat. I let the brother have it the way we do it in the village, except of course lifting my dress up and cursing him with my nakedness. I called him any name that I could think of and repeatedly told the brother to go to “hell” which is where he belongs! I am sure that brother had never seen anything like that because he was cowering in the corner when I left. I was still cursing when I got onto the street car. Sss-sexual healing my hide!
And there are some others who are running huge sex-trade operations in the name of holistic centers. Some of these are run by men in skin tight biker shorts pretending to be “gay” only to end up feeling you up with their sleazy moist hands, their frontal limp mere three inch sock giving them away. The lows to which some people can stoop for free sex!
The saying that what we know in our mind is defined by our experiences makes lots of sense. I’ve even heard Dr. Phil say, “it’s all in the mind” when referring to sex and wondered what kind of sex he is talking about. Isn’t there supposed to be a difference between actually having sex and having a fantasy about sex? And what is the spirit doing when you are having sex in your mind moreover using the body? Probably perched somewhere above on the ceiling, cheering or perhaps judging, condemning or shaming. And immediately after intercourse the spirit jumps right back into the body, mind or wherever it usually resides. If you’ve had sex – I mean with the kind of abandonment you feel in every fiber of your being – you know too well it’s a lot more than a mind or body thing. Sex is an experience of the soul. And there are times when the spirit takes over, and you know – that you know – something truly divine is upon the two of you.
Patriarchal religions and traditional western culture have associated the mind with ‘thinking’ and relegated sex to a function of the ‘physical’, the practices of ancient traditions imply a different understanding. Among native cultures and indigenous peoples, sex by its very nature – consensual or rape – can not be “merely physical” or “all mental” because sexual intercourse releases tremendous energy (positive or negative) inside the human soul. That is why sex in biblical times and among many African cultures is still known as “knowledge’ of the other person. And that is why sometimes rape victims or child abuse survivors have a hard time looking into the eyes of their attackers and abusers. Whether consciously or unconsciously, sex involves the exchange of “knowledge” at a soul level.
In the native worldview sex resonates with the very foundational energies of the universe and where the spiritual and the physical are all part of a whole, and all of creation is inherently sacred because it is part of the interconnected web of the Whole that sustains life. No BODY and no THING have to be proven worthy to be considered sacred. And just because we abuse, misuse and disuse sex doesn’t make it any less or any more sacred – SEX IS ALREADY SACRED! But of course those of us stuck in our “scientific and logical” thinking way of complicating and dividing things up into meaningless little pieces will have a hard time grasping the simplicity of life’s mysteries.
What I am saying is that, even if well intentioned, our latest obsession with the “sacredness” of sex does not easily heal the split of mind and body nor does it make sex more spiritual (or sacred). Besides, over “spiritualizing” sex at a logical and intellectual level can anaesthetize the sexual experience by obstructing the natural inner flow which knows the best way intuitively. For crying aloud’s sake, one does not have to be in an expanded stated of mind to passionately kiss one’s wife or husband or massage a lover’s feet. Of course if you are in that state that would be absolutely wonderful.
If we gave sex its rightful place in all aspects of our daily lives, we might make our society more vibrant and nurturing instead of being a fertile ground for profound inhibitions and all sorts of collective obsessions. Only and only when we are able to be honest with ourselves and with others about our sexual nature and sexual desires can we ignite that sexual fire that burns deep within us and flows through every level of our human life.
It will take a level of awareness that Western society hasn’t had, en masse, in past decades for us to make peace with sex and our sexual nature. Making peace with our sexed being and sexual desires is not the same as doing whatever we feel like. We do need to form consensual agreements, respectful communication and honor rituals that channel sexuality into positive forms if we are to start healing our unhealthy sexuality and end sexual abuse of children in our society. But with that, we must allow ourselves to dream, to fantasize, to experiment, to create our own sexual animal. For many of us it means breaking free from our neurotic fear of the erotic and transcending beyond the deeply embedded negative beliefs and counterproductive attitudes. It even means re-examining some of the teachings about so -called sacred sexuality.
So back to you – what sensations drift into your consciousness as you read this??What vague feelings of dissatisfaction, disillusionment, self-consciousness or even shame about your sexual nature and sexual desires make you cringe? Is there a revelation here for you? May be it is time to define clearly what you want to do and say, to bring into being what really defines you as sexual being. May be its time you talked to me. No kidding.